CONTENTS
The Great Fiction - And The Harm In It
Believing What A Child Believes And Acting "As If" You Are One...
Believing There Is Danger And That One Is Unable To Handle It
There Is An Alternative Strategy To Using The Higher Brain Here
But It Would Be Much More Effective If You De-cide!
The Alternative Strategy, Which Is Helpful Regardless Is...
Recognize The "Indicators" Of Being A Child
What You Give Up When Giving Up The Child
Some Basic Grounding Readings
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Many people grow up physically, learn a few other things, but often still operate from at least a child point of view - and it does them much damage and causes much suffering.
THE GREAT FICTION - AND THE HARM IN IT
In psychology, most of us refer to "our child" (or "inner child"), as if we had a little child still in us. Well, I hate to tell you this ... but Santa Claus doesn't exist, the world is not fair, and there is no little Child-You that exists.
The harm in holding on to being a child is that one's health is hurt due to the additional stress and one does not feel good about life - a great penalty. The irony is that we need not experience that and that we only experience that because we hold onto a belief of still being like a child - it is self-caused. And the other part of the irony is that what is created is exactly the opposite of what the "child" wants!
Getting out of the loop must be accomplished at some point. Some people look at the effects and simply decide to no longer be a child, and then go about learning more of what it takes, with a huge persistence that is unlike a child. Others have to be disentangled from the circular reasoning that they are stuck in (more about that later).
Let's discuss what is going on and what the harm is.
BELIEVING WHAT A CHILD BELIEVES AND ACTING "AS IF" YOU ARE ONE
It may be a useful metaphor, but it is not a fact. The biggest damage of believing we still "have a child" (my "little girl" or my "little boy") or that a part of us is a child is that we hold onto the beliefs and perspectives of a little child - so we are, in a sense, being a little child, thinking like a little child, and frightened like a little child. A sure sign that we are acting as if we were children occurs when we maintain the position of being a victim and needing the approval of the big people (now called "they" or people you consider "above" you or even parts of an imaginary committee which judges all you do).
BELIEVING THERE IS DANGER AND THAT ONE IS UNABLE TO HANDLE IT
Another sign is constantly feeling one is in danger or threatened in some way. Some people feel that way all the time, having a vague sense of danger. The way it is handled is through distractions, addictions, or creating some highs, like being in love (at which time they feel invulnerable).
If that person had matured into an adult, that person would know that he can handle undesired outcomes and still be ok, still survive and have no threat of dying or any terror.
But the child-level of thinking believes that he/she can't handle any bad outcomes and will never be happy as long as bad things could happen. "Well, gollee gee! Bad things do happen." Undesired outcomes are inevitable. The mature person sees that as a part of life and thinks in terms of "net gain" - that overall there is more gained than lost, so there is a plus about life - which is the actual truth. (Note that we don't judge someone for being co-dependent and "enabling" their children by protecting them from feeling bad, but we do see the harm in not letting the children fully cope and ultimately gain the confidence that they can handle life's "stuff".)
It does make sense, in childlike thinking, that a dependent powerless child could be frightened of being abandoned and left to die. It could make sense that they would feel they need approval and to avoid disapproval, so that they can be confident they will be taken care of. This thinking is a bit more advanced than the primitive brains "thinking", but it is based on false assumptions and beliefs and faulty logic. Once a person is not dependent, it makes no sense to to maintain and believe the non-sensical thoughts sent out mechanically and inappropriately by Dumb And Dumber!
Why in the world would you believe anything said by a fool, as if the words represented and were reality? Accordingly, why would you believe a thought (composed of words) that Dumb and Dumber kick out?
(Dumb and Dumber are the earlier brains that evolved before our thinking brain. They are often referred to as Monkey Mind [mid-brain] and Lizard Brain [primitive brain at the top of the spine, excellent at spotting danger, even what is not there]... See Managing The Mind, The Development Of The Mind. You should understand how the actual mind works!)
In essence the grown-older person (I hesitate to use the term "adult") is making him/herself unhappy by experiencing the "pain" of being in a panic that he/she will not survive! And if you tell the person that it appears that they have, in fact, survived and survived and survived, thousands of times and that that must mean they can survive (except for one time in their lives, death). If they have survived, then they must have enough power to survive, and there is no longer any reason to believe that they won't live on or that they are dependent on others for survival.
THE ALTERNATE STRATEGY TO USING THE HIGHER BRAIN
A person "suffering" from feeling he or she is still a child (i.e. suffering from feeling powerless and in danger alot) won't necessarily buy into the logic of all of this, so we are then left with having to use a less direct strategy to work up to solving this problem.
BUT IT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE IF YOU DE-CIDE!
(.."cision"' is derived from the same base as "scissors", so a de-cision is a cutting off of retreat, such as the famous captain who burned the ships behind him. See the 100% commitment. )
Now, I urge the person reading this to just go directly for the gold ring and to decide right now not to be a child, not use a child's beliefs, and to be an adult, with no going back (at least hardly ever). One can inappropriately deal with discomforts or accidentally heed a thought from Dumb and Dumber, but one should commit to not believing one is a child. That child is gone forever, never to return.
THE ALTERNATIVE STRATEGY, WHICH IS HELPFUL EITHER WAY...
Unless we intervene, our primitive brain circuits get stuck in the confusion and the idea that we are powerless and dependent, as in childhood, and that we must keep using the old childhood beliefs to accomplish what we want. They aren't getting us what we want and they often can be tremendously dysfunctional and harmful - not a great choice of something to keep from childhood! (Although you'll want to read the pieces below first, you will end up going to the overall section where you can change your Beliefs And Thoughts.)
In any event, it is useful to go one by one through the strategies that fortify one's strength and personal confidence. For instance, one would definitely do The Certainty Generators to offset the uncertainties comprising a good size piece of childhood thinking.
RECOGNIZE THE "INDICATORS" OF BEING A CHILD...
If you know the law of cause and effect, for every effect you know there must be a cause. If the effects are identified as being a result of that cause, you can be sure that you are using that cause and engulfed in the thinking behind that cause.
If you read Live Through The Tools And Decisions Of A Child? , you can know that if you are using those tools, you are "being a child" (the cause of those, the chooser of those). In that piece, it asks you to make a decision one way or the other. If you decide not to use those tools and beliefs, to the best of your won't power, then we can conquer the little monster that has been plaguing us for so many years.
The key decision that needs to be made to change one's life so that one can create happiness for oneself is to give up the dominant characteristic of a child. That characteristic is the source of all the problems of fear and lack of self-confidence of a person living as if a child. It is the privilege and benefits of being a Victim. One should study the various elements that are connected to that syndrome. Read the recommended readings in that section, especialy the Victim Vs. Cause Scale and Victimhood, The Signs And The Pathway Out.
Studying the victim, child, adult, responsibility and related pieces extensively without distraction should be sufficient for you to make the final decision and be able to implement the opposite.
Of course...
It's your choice!
WHAT YOU GIVE UP WHEN GIVING UP THE CHILD
The following are all indicators of "being a child" and all can be given up by the adult, with one being perfectly ok afterward:
The world revolves around me.
I am entitled. Others owe me something.
Magical thinking and assuming it is I who make others feel things.
I deserve justice.
I must "wiggle out" of being responsible, using excuses, blame, explanations, my "innocence", "not my fault" or some reason why not, etc., etc. to a fine art.
I am powerless, dependent, and a victim of more powerful people.
I need approval/love.
I need to be rescued, since I can't do it for myself.
Pain and discomfort are intolerable.
If I throw a tantrum, they will give me what I want.
Using pain and making them suffer will motivate people to do what I want.
I am a victim of what my parents taught me and that's the source of my problems
(versus "I now have a choice as an adult....")
SOME POSSIBLE AFFIRMATIONS OR DECLARATIVE STATEMENTS
You choose what to use, or make up better ones:
I hereby give up being a child - forever!
I am an adult, doing the best I can within my limited awareness, but quite capable.
I am no longer powerless and dependent. That would be ridiculous to believe.
I have power. I can generate the energy and intention to use my power.
I am a powerful person.
I am not a child. (Good one for interrupting something you recognize as "child".)
I no longer believe in childish beliefs.
I screen out and no longer believe what my primitive brains generate. I would be a
fool to heed those thoughts as being the truth - and I choose not to be a fool!
I give up each of the indicators of being a child and I disclaim each of the above statements that are part of what I need to give up (in the section before this one).
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Particularly, you'll want to read the Emotion Management section, as this is essentially about being in charge rather than being the victim of some unrealistic, harmful beliefs (just old brain circuits repeating themselves, strictly a mechanical thing - understand how the brain works and you'll agree with that statement). Once you learn this, you can live without anger, shame, blame, remorse, etc.
model to understand all the basic overview in psychology and in relationships.
This should clear up which part of you needs to be in charge and will add insights that will help you see how certain practices and ways of viewing things will enhance your life tremendously.
handle this and your relationship with yourself and others will dramatically improve. It is primarily from a fear mechanism and is dysfunctional. (See also the Criticism, Blame, Negative Communication section under Relationships, Communication.)
ability to change one's "ways."
Understand and know these personas (roles, ways of being) so that you are not
inappropriately in them - so you can live a much, much, much better life.
AN ADULT? - A form to practice with for a few weeks in order to develop a
greater ability to spot what is going on and to "get off it".
operate from beliefs that work and from a paradigm of what works,
instead of right/wrong, good/bad. This piece tells us how we can live it
much, much more effectively.
Readings per interest
(Read per interest, see above for key pieces for everyone to read. Read especially
those title that are capitalized.)
Already in the above grounding readings:
Knowing this model and how these pieces work together can make the difference
between operating at a lower level and operating at the highest in life and for
happiness. We derived certain strategies and beliefs that were very poorly thought
out and are very dysfunctional - and it is our job to use this model and process to
elevate them to highly functional. LOOK AT THIS FIRST.
I would suggest reading these in the order I've organized them:
functionality of each of these - this should be learned to attain the understanding
needed to go to the next step of choosing what you really want.
personas "available" to us, but we need to realize when and how to utilize them.
The Outer Child - This is "The Other" Us that we create to protect us, but which can
be highly dysfunctional. Learn what it is and how to better manage life. Learn a
choice to live a much better life!
these you are engaged in - you may wish to make some new choices, however!
you ready to give them up?
One viewpoint of a child is that of Victim (Powerless, Helpless, Dependent), so one
should understand these viewpoints completely, in order to choose to be the
opposite.
Victimhood only begets being a victim, with its poor payoffs and horrendous
costs. (A special section gathering information around this viewpoint and how
to no longer live life that way. This can create THE difference in one's
effectiveness and happiness in life.
I can choose personas - more about this process
caregivers characteristics and behaviors were, the effect on you, whether you do or
have some of the same ones, and whether you will reduce or eliminate them.
This is perhaps more of a sub-set of personas, where you can choose "parts" to view life
from, essential "viewpoints" but from a perspective of choice. A special little science
most aren't aware of.
effective in life. Read about the potential of it and the use of this method,
sworn to by some as one of the very most effective!
As one grows and gives up childhood, one changes one's compassion and childish emotions:
what compassion really is, rating yourself as you go. Most people don't know
what compassion really is!
what they are and how to stop having them use you!
persona. It has the characteristics, thinking, behaviors of this persona for a
particular person, and you may choose which of these to adopt in your being a
(more) powerful person.
If you are interested in this (Duh!), you would want to learn the pieces of "Power In
in order to be more effective in getting what one wants.
See also:
Codependence, Enabling
and damage your relationships or do something about it? First take this test to
see what reality is.
