TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY IN AN EMOTION LADEN RELATIONSHIP YOU NEED TO ABSOLUTELY LEARN "EMOTION MANAGEMENT" (SEE PSYCHOLOGY SITE MAP)
CONTENTS OF THIS SECTION: (Preferably, go down this contents list and review these in this order. A number of these items are on different pages.)
Violate it and you'll suffer!
OVERALL - All pieces not otherwise classified.
Master these and your relationship(s) will transform!!!
and agreements
COUNSELING - What is it and does it work reliably?
at a higher level?
make a special impact.
(TO READ FOOTNOTES in a document on the internet, under "view", click print layout.)
CONTENTS OF THE OTHER RELATIONSHIP PAGES:
Overall
Repairing a relationship
Key Reading Pieces
Tests, ratings, periodic checkups, monitoring
Questionnaires
Methods to complete and/or resolve
Topics to choose among
Agreements, Commitments, Rules
Learning and Mastering "Relationship"
Planning, Vision, Goals
"Our Relationship" Notebook
Relationship Reference Notebook
"My Relationship Creation" Notebook
Read the key documents (in capital letters) as a grounding exercise and then items that are of
interest. You can read the website like a book, if you print the items of interest and insert it into
the Relation Reference Notebook (see above).
On each sitemap page, (F) = a worksheet or form to fill out and/or use.
THIS SECTION'S PARTS: Learning plans; Read first; Read relevant parts; Criticism, blame, make
wrongs; Methods, formats.
GROUNDING MODULE/'BOOKLET', READ FIRST, IN THIS ORDER:
of not communicating. They are too great. And the benefits - priceless! Decide
and sign for what you are committed to, or not.
and the higher level brain use along with distinguishing the facts from the "made-
ups" (make-wrongs, misperceptions, etc.)
life. When learned, it makes a huge difference in saving effort and problems.
basic that all people should learn. It makes a huge difference in relationships and
making life easier.
to communicate cleanly in this manner makes the relationship much easier and
better. (6 pages)
and of love and your life will transform.
behavior change to occur in another without opposition or another problem
occurring.
"hurts". Without training people to honor one's boundaries, they will step on your
territory.
piece on the simplicity of what works and how commitment and/or sabotage
affects the process.
SELECTIVELY READ THOSE PARTS THAT ARE RELEVANT, BELOW, AS NEEDED:
OVERALL
Effectiveness and Good Practices,
and no blame, creating real intimacy, there are some choices to make that will
affect the quality of your relationship forever.
what it includes. This will help you to "see" it and what is needed.
upset, as rationality cannot co-exist with "flooding-level" upsets.
judging, justifying, and negative talk. Keeping our languaging talk clean,
supportive, and solution-focused. Includes a detailed agreement on what you'll do.
does one effectivly use it as a tool in one's life.
do to complete your day, from feelings to appreciations to plans. A good practice
to have.
Assuring Regular, Complete Communication
together, resolve issues.
Council, especially if it is for the overall family.
Listening
feeling inside and have your partner know it and feel validated.
Boundary-Setting - Be sure to also use the Time Outs practice to set limits!
Abusive and/or Reactive Communication
as rationality cannot co-exist with "flooding-level" upsets.
recognizing my reactivity, and making a commitment.
abuse they are putting out there, nor do they realize what "abuse" actually is!
Assuming, Mind Reading, Misperceiving, Projecting
key area to learn, as people can act or react from perceptions that are not real!!!
What a waste!!!
something sees 10 out of every 2 actual occurrences... This chain should be
broken.
eliminate this unworkable "communication" barrier.
Projecting
Requesting that partner "Improve" or change
assumptions onto another, so that you can make a request that will respect your
current psychology.
living with one? What are the costs?
Communication - Get out of the "mire" and the "blame" cycle by learning how to
clearly communicate feelings and avoiding the big mistake of characterizing them
as feelings, which is a strategy used with childish thinking and which can cause a
great amount of harm.
often unintentional weapon, can kill a relationship.
COMMITMENTS, AGREEMENTS, RULES
agreement that a couple should maintain.
couple should have this agreement to stop being a child where two rational,
nurturing adults need to be present. It includes an acknowledgement and listing of
"Violations of the 'No Harm' Policy." It also includes the "Practices We Agree To Use
To Resolve "Problems." .
Promise this so you'll be clear on what works and what you will do. It is also a
straightforward list of what to use when.
should do, as it will save much wasted efforts and frustrations in communicating.
UPSETS (Section not completed yet, so also see the "OVERALL".)
responsibility.
page quiz.
exercise.
make you upset, in a literal sense. This adds clarity in order to give you a choice in
the matter.
about something you do, use this form to "complete" on it and to choose what to
do.
METHODS, FORMATS, FORMS -
See specific purpose methods, comments at:
See also:
how is the relationship going.
DISCOVERY
the resistance that might come in "problem solving", where all you do is ask what
the other thinks. It is extremely validating of the other person and creates a
deeper bond of understanding between you, perhaps for the first time
RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LEVEL AND CLOSENESS
COMMUNICATION AT THE FIVE LEVELS OF EFFECTIVENESS AND MEANING
Level 1. Virtually no communication (the weather, functional minimums, etc.)
Level 2. Some sporadic sharing
Level 3. Full active listening
Couple's Dialogue - Mirroring, validation
Couple's Dialogue - Feelings, relecting
Level 4. Cooperative synthesis, planning,
Couple's Council
Asking for what you want
Level 5. Fully expressing feelings, needs, request for change
The Very Brief Version - After couple's have established full communication
Sharing fully the experience and feelings of the day
Behavior Change Request - Used freely and willingly accepted
Tell the real truth about needs.
Which level is your relationship at? ___ Is that level the level you really want? _____
THE CLOSENESS OR DISTANCING OF THE RELATIONSHIP
You can tell when anger, blame, and their cousins resentment and distrust are present by the degrees of negative symptoms, for there is no such result without a negative cause. When fear rules love has no room. But when acceptance, rooting for the other and action to show support are present, love rules.
Level -5 to -1. Anger, blame, criticism predominate. Huge distancing.
Level 0. Total indifference.
Level 1. Arms length. Safe distance. Love shown by services, but no feeling of bonding.
Level 2. Sporadic inroads, but still a wall of unresolved resentments and distancers
Level 3. Some openness appears and some level of understanding and compassion shows
up. There is more willingness to love in a meaningful way (beyond services).
Level 4. Feeling close and relaxed, sharing of emotions/feelings, very caring love-making
Level 5. Feeling so close, at the soulmate level, loving (and love-making to) the other as you
would love yourself at the highest.
Which level is your closeness at? ____
Does that level equal the level of your relationship, as rated above? ____
(Hint - If there is no corresponding evidence [i.e. closeness], then the believed level of your relationship is not accurate. Take another look and decide what you really want. And then work together on a plan to make sure it will happen. What you do from this assessment will measure your true commitment to the relationship. Once your partner is willing, then all the rest is up to you. And if the partner is not willing, you still need to do what is right, following what is written herein, even if your decision to stay is only 51%.)
