THE BASICS - WHICH WE ARE ALL STILL SUBJECT TO
We learn to be in the victim role.
As a victim, we are dependent on something and/or someone outside of us to create our happiness, safety, etc. We can become passive, except for aggressively manipulating others to give us what we want.
As a non-victim, we produce what is needed to meet our needs and learn to depend only on ourselves, with whatever else we get as being a nice bonus.
(Yes, even the fearsome, the successful, or the powerful person has elements of this, where they can't help their temper, control some impulse, stop from dominating another, or some other pattern that is dysfunctional and/or reactive.)
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CONTENTS
"But I'm not a victim!" Oh, really? Maybe sometimes?
It's a matter of degree, with great cost to each degree
What is a victim, in terms of a role?
What does it take to not "do" any "being a victim"?
Noting the signs and taking the pathway out
Leaving the dysfunctional "child" behind
A choice of being powerful or waiting in victimhood
It shows up in relationships, big time!
Remember to assess where you actually are!
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"BUT I'M NOT A VICTIM!" OH, REALLY? MAYBE SOMETIMES?
If you at times feel helpless, seek approval of others, sluff off responsibility, go into denial, are overweight, don't carry out your responsibilities, blame someone or yourself, or are unhappy in any way - you are, at least at times, taking on the role of being a victim.
IT'S A MATTER OF DEGREE, WITH COST TO EACH DEGREE
Although we certainly are not seeking perfection or making this a moral issue, I would contend that to the degree we allow being a victim into our lives we create a great cost. There is a cost of how we feel at the time and how we feel about ourselves at the time - and the loss of having a good opinion of ourselves. There is a cost of the loss of the great results (or at least reduction of bad results) that we could attain if we were at the opposite end of the scale at responsibility and integrity.
WHAT IS A VICTIM, IN TERMS OF A ROLE?
We can look up the dictionary definition: a person or animal upon whom is inflicted pain and harm, usually involving suffering. The latter may seem like an unnecessary comment, but recall the truism: "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."
Being a non-victim is not "never being a physically harmed person or a receiver of something causing emotional pain" but it is the role and viewpoint that is taken on even at those times, the role and viewpoint of total self reliance and power.
Being a non-victim is not wallowing in the pity of it all, not seeking sympathy, not giving up personal power, not being helpless or dependent.
The following is what we must avoid, for its cost is too great and its payoffs are illusory:
"The victim stance is a powerful one. The victim is always morally right, neither responsible nor accountable, and forever entitled to sympathy." Zur Institute
Let's be clear here: "Victim" is not a label we are putting on a person as a "permanent" trait, We are saying here that a dysfunctional program lies in the brain that chooses the role of being a victim in order to achieve some goal (which is dysfunctional) in an unworkable way.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO NOT "DO" ANY "BEING A VICTIM"
The key here is to give up the stories and beliefs that hold one in the position of thinking at the level of one's childhood conditioning and decisions.
To leave this, we stop believing we are powerless and dependent, that we need anybody to rescue us or take over what we are responsible for, doing it for us. We leave being "at the effect of" something else or somebody else - forever abandoning that fall back position. We learn and then commit to do what it takes to live life at a 100% responsibility level.
NOTING THE SIGNS AND TAKING THE PATHWAY OUT
Read Victimhood - The Signs And A Pathway Out. Changing things begins with the realization of where you are on the scale and comparing it to where you would want to be (fully responsible works best!).
It is about recognizing "the viewpoint" that supports being a victim, choosing other viewpoints that are more effective, and the process to implement that - one that one can become better and better at and one that actually works. Finishes with a list of the signs, for you to check to see if you have them even though you thought you weren't being a victim!
LEAVING THE DYSFUNCTIONAL "CHILD" BEHIND
at looking the opposite way, this illuminates what we are actually doing. Who do you want to run your life - the "outer child" or the adult?
A CHOICE OF BEING POWERFUL OR WAITING IN VICTIMHOOD
Supplementary, but from a different viewpoint, Anger/Blame/Critic will help you to never again fall into anger or resentment.
IT SHOWS UP IN RELATIONSHIPS, BIG TIME!
In relationships we "inevitably" fall into roles that do not serve us. I purport that "falling into" is not inevitable, if we are conscious and make a choice in the matter. Read The Choice - Be A Victim, Pleaser, Persecutor Or An Adult , about how these personas were created and why. The way and the commitment to be an adult, fully in charge.
Supporting the above is a discussion about the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor Trap. In this, you'll find that when you "choose" to rescue or be a victim, then you'll find yourself switching to persecutor or one of the other roles! Be that or be "at cause." (This is called The Karpman Triangle.)
REMEMBER TO ASSESS WHERE YOU ACTUALLY ARE
Rate yourself on the items in this piece: Where Are You On The Victim Vs. Cause Scale?. Changing things begins with the realization of where you are on the scale and comparing it to where you would want to be (fully responsible works best!).
