(This is the "problem-solving/needs-filling" section.  For conflicts, see Conflict Management - conflict is the "non-problem solving" mode which is governed mostly by fear, alienation, defensiveness and all the things that go with it - these need to be managed before the actual problem-solving can begin - there is much to learn there, from simple impulse control to the real "why" of the conflict.)

SOLVABLE, EASILY SOLVABLE - Without pain and with great results!

See overview below. 


       PROBLEM = Something that needs a solution, which one can submit for consideration.

                      See below for problem-solving/needs-filling in relationships and
                            Problem Solving, As A General Skill, under Life Management. 
       CONFLICT = A fight or struggle, a sharp disagreement or opposition

                       See CONFLICT MANAGEMENT to address this.
    Just as the truth is in the saying:  "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional",

    One might say that                    "PROBLEMS ARE INEVITABLE, BUT...
                                                            CONFLICT IS A CHOICE."             
    (A poor one, of course!)

   See and read and follow The Zero Tolerance Rule In Relationship.  Use this rule to     
      dramatically upgrade your relationship.


(Page to be reorganized, so you'll have to scroll down and look around for what you need.on this page and under Conflict Management.)

    Overview - What is the key cause of "problems", which, of course, is the key solution!!!!
    Problems Typical To Relationships - Expect, anticipate, and resolve these!
    PROBLEM SOLVING ITSELF - Simple, yet effective.  See especially "Happy Negotiating."
         See The Key Context For Productive Conversation - and practice it without fail. 
    Boundaries - It is up to you to set the boundaries that honor your vulnerabilities and limits.
         Methods and Processes For Resolving Conflicts
    Methods and Processes of Resolving Problems - Includes


Coming from a "let's make progress" and "happy negotiating to fill needs" viewpoint (see below) makes "problem solving" a wonderful and even enjoyable process.  Coming from a "the other is the enemy who is letting me down" viewpoint doesn't work and never has.  Of course, it is your choice!!!!!

You need never create the upsets ever again!   You need only ask (request) and happily negotiate something that works for you both.  A "problem" is only an unmet "need", which can be filled.  In fact you can fill your cup until it is overflowing - you'll probably be very surprised at how good it can be.

See The Key Context For Productive Conversation - and practice it without fail.  Never, ever, ever, ever violate this - it is something wonderful to commit to, wonderful in terms of results. 

It is great to be partners and no longer adversaries!!!!

Toward this, you would follow absolutely The Zero Tolerance Rule In Relationship


                  Solve The Symptoms or The Cause? - Adjust to the Pink Elephant In The Middle of The
                      Room or Get Rid Of It? 
                   Solving The Relationship "Problem"  - Problems dissolve when light is shined on them
                        and they are "completed." 
                        A special item to read:  Third-Partying/Gossiping About Your Partner - Stop it!  It is
                           so destructive, self-indulgent, childish and harmful!

   Poem:    FEAR OR LOVE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP? - Underlying all conflict and all alienation is
                  needless fear, as this poem lays out, but learning to go beyond that can create the
                  lovingness and the relationship we truly want.

      Other possible items to consider:

                   Teasing And Its Effects    
                   Therapy For Relationships             

        For serious relationship distancing and alienation, see Relationship Repair.   

        The problem most of the time is "Make-Wrong"/Blame.  See 

                  Blocks To The Relationship Working - Identifying Them - Assumptions, projections,
                      past hurts and many other self-created blocks or bricks put in the wall between you
                      and your partner.  Identify these along with the "exits".
                  The Enemies Of Relationship Are... - We need to attack them, not our partners.
                      Healthy And Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors
                  The Invisible Divorce - The Divorce Before The Divorce - Blame and make wrong create  
                      alienation so that there is a "turning away" and distancing that makes the
                      relationship uncomfortable and unhappy.   Realize some of the things in this piece
                      and apply the solutions!

              Go to (click on above) this section to find specific issues in marriage and how to solve
              See also   
                   Expectations, Unrealistic Ones
                   Sex - See Relationships/Loving section

                   AVOIDING THE RELATIONSHIP EXITS - The ways we avoid relating. 
                  *Exits - Identifying Your Relationship Exits - We all have ways we avoid intimacy and
                      being fully in a relationship.  Identify these and your relationship will change
                      beautifully - as the lack of those barriers and a new openness naturally allow the
                      full warmth and friendship to come back through.


    Communication is a key tool for problem solving and/or problem dissolving.  See that section.

         See in that section: Why Bother To Communicate - And how to avoid problems.

    See also:  The Invisible Divorce, above, as it addresses the solution also. 

                   SOLVING THE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM - A way to solve any problem  
                           MAKING  REQUESTS AND HAPPY  NEGOTIATING - Simple.
                                     Follow:  The Key Context For Productive Conversation - This works!
(F)               AVOIDING THE RELATIONSHIP EXITS - The ways we avoid relating
                   STOP THIRD-PARTYING/GOSSIPING ABOUT YOUR PARTNER - Instead address it
                       like a mature adult who desires healthy results.
                   Also, read the other capitalized pieces below:



                  For now, see

                   Conflict Management, Methods section, for:  Behavior Change Request forms, filling
                        the love tank, meeting needs and wants, the Four Hour Relationship Alignment
                        Program and other methods to use to have a better relationship in this way.

                   Four Hour Relationship Alignment Program - An "Intensive" Focus/Work Session -
                        From compiling a list of what needs to be resolved to requests, agreements, and
                        a plan.
                   Obscuring And Not Getting To The Key To The Problem - A counselor and/or a
                       problem solving session may end up without resolution because the wrong
                       problem or level is addressed.  This is an example of what can happen in terms of
                       producing greater results, along with a more comprehensive treatment plan being


                   Reaffirming Myself In This (Difficult) Relationship Situation - A conversation written by
                      an individual to reaffirm himself and get perspective and get to know that he is ok and
                      can handle life and the situation - and that he should do what is right for himself.

Workbooks:  Getting The Love You Want Workbook, Harville Hendrix, et.al. - An exceptional
                     workbook; if you do all the exercises, it supposedly fits into 12 hours total.
                     I highly recommend it for most couples.
                   Relationship Rescue Workbook, Phil McGraw - Some great exercises and it ends
                     with a brilliant set of exercises to do with your spouse. See How To Use The Book.


                   2 versions that are similar, the latter excludes the recognizing the way you have been
                     *Re-"Pairing" - Going From the Unconscious Impasse To the Conscious         
                           Relationship - Includes
                                 1) "Where I was at before and my actions" during the "difficulties" period of
                                     the relationship,
                                 2) For the future, the level I will operate at
                                 3) My specific commitment to the relationship and my partner - includes
                                     how I will treat my partner and specific commitments to doing whatever it
                                     takes to create and maintain a loving, conscious relationship.


                   Actions - My Commitment To Actions I will Take to Have My Desired Level of
                      Conscious Relationship - A detailed list of what one can choose to commit to, from
                      psychological health to willingness vs. resistance and barriers, including how much
                      time you are willing to commit to the process.

                   Please Don't Step On My Flower Garden - Honoring each partner's sensitivities, a
                   Let's You And Me And We Be Toxin-Free - You can choose whether to keep on
                     doing toxic spewing actions or not.  This has a tremendous impact on relationships.

  Back to top
  Back to top
  Back to top
Buy on Amazon.com:

In Association with Amazon.com