Read, will be added to.


Why This Separate Page?
"Hierarchy" Of "Needs"
Two Main Problems In Getting Your Needs Filled
Using Relationships To Meet Our Needs
Our Actual Needs
   More Related To Needs
   Needs In Relationship - Specifying And Filling Them
   Meeting The Needs Yourself - That Comes First

Part of feeling safe is knowing that we, ourselves, will handle whatever comes upregardless - read Fearlessness, so that you can understand how this is true.  

Because we unrealistically and unknowledgeably believe that we "need" "more" than we actually need, we create a pervasive feeling of a "lack of safety", as we fear losing the extra we have that we ironically don't actually need but make ourselves unhappy with - that's a poor game to play in life.  See Losses to learn the unnecessay damage what we create.  And it'll pay for you to be clear about how we create suffering and struggle in life.

Once those are handled, we will survive - and then we get to play The Game Of Life, but we need to be clear about what that actually means and is.  (Read that section.)

Besides survival needs, one could say we "need" to feel good about life and ourselves and to have good experiences or what would the point of life be?  So, while those are technically not needs in the absolute sense of the word, they are necessary in order to make surviving worthwhile. 

Everything else we classify as needs is actually a want or a misunderstood way of seeking to fill the actual needs.  We need to determine the most effective ways of filling our needs - and that is definitely not the way most people seem to believe - we get caught up in some games that make no sense in terms of the effects they actually produce or the undue effort (where we could accomplish the same thing in another way more easily and at a higher level)

Do other people have to fill our "needs", as if we were children having to be taken care of, or can we move over on the spectrum of neediness and power to where we are vitually self-sufficient?  This is the fundamental question most of us fail to ask. 

Surely, we no longer need others to like us in order to be able to get food (as the infrastructure is set up so it is all available at the super market!). 

Surely, it makes no sense to try to get love from others, and to spend all the efforts to manipulate and control, when we have failed to do all we can to fill our own emotional bank accounts!  And the latter is much easier than all the ineffective or less effective games we spend (waste) our lives engaging in. 

Yes, we do "long" for others to love us, to be fully accepted and loved unconditionally by the prince or princess, to be secure at a level greater than even in childhood, to "be completed", to find "the one" who we are destined to be with - but we fail to realize that this is programming that is not true!  So, we constantly run across problems and show that we are, according to the famous saying "dumber than rats", since rats stop going down a tunnel when there is no longer cheese at the other end.  (If that is true, it means we can't even win "the rat race.")

When one realizes one can be totally self-sufficient, filling all of the needs to be happily engage in life, one is free to actually live life at a higher, more fulfilled and much happier level!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Again, read The Rational, Nurturing Adult, choose, and then go from there, following the path I lead you on, via the links.)


What are your needs?  From another point of view, related to correcting what needs to be put back into workability and what is wanted that one thinks will fill your needs.  This is part of the Learning Plans section, as one needs to learn and have a program that helps fill the needs.


                  Loving Oneself - This section is all about meeting your needs, including Soothing/Nurturing
                      and whether you actually need Approval from other people.
                  Being Your Own Rational, Nurturing Adult - The key choice to have your life operate at the
                  Filling Your Emotional Bank Accounts - We can do it completely by ourselves and not
                      wait for anyone else to do it!  It is especially good not to operate in deficit or "in


Different people have their "needs" met in different ways. 

The key is to find out what love language your partner values the most and then to make the valued deposits, for trying to convince your partner that he/she is loved using the "deposits" that mean nothing is an ineffective way to fill the love tank, and there will be dissatisfaction and a lower quality relationship.

Go to Loving/Being Loved for the caring behaviors list of what works

    Meeting The "Needs" (Actually The Wants) Via Relationships

                    A Relationship Is Based On Meeting One's Needs, Period! - This makes it really
                       clear of illusion and it brings home the need to make a request for a specific
                       behavior and not spend time with vague concepts that can't be satisfied.
                   Our Agreement To Decide on A Vision, Commitments, and To Request Specific
                      Behaviors - An excellent foundational agreement that will make it very clear as to
                      what it will take to meet each other's needs so that you'll create a great
                   WHAT MAKE ME FEEL MOST LOVED - This crucial list helps distinguish between
                      what really counts so that efforts by one's partner aren't wasted on what means
                   My Caring Behaviors List - This is a way to let your partner know what caring
                      behaviors would be most welcomed by you.   
                   What I Appreciate About You, My Partner - A format with suggestions on how you
                      can let your partner know he/she is appreciated.  
                   Loving/Being Loved - See and be clear on the contents of the loving section. 
                      Absolutely essential that you are well-versed in this.

    The Needs

                  Love - Interestingly enough, Maslow called this "recognition".

                  Safety - My Promise To You For Safety - Give this (or a modified version) to your
                     partner to settle, once and for all, the safety issue.  Your partner, as any human
                     being, will tend to go into "reactive" and unhelpful behavior if the partner feels
                     unsafe.  You can do your part by using this form/agreement.


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  Back to top

See, under Learning Plans,

What Are Your Needs? - Identify what is needed by you, specifically and then identify a program to meet that need.

Loving Oneself - Some people can't seem to do these, though it is the primal need filler!

Soothing/Nurturing - A key skill everyone must learn, both for how good they will feel and also to prevent the emptiness that leads one astray in life.
Approval - A Possibly "Life Deadly" Game, Psychologically Speaking - If we get stuck in needing approval and living in an external locus of control, we will be at the mercy of uncontrollable sources from which we try to gain a good feeling - a very bad way to live!

Wants - A Slippery Slope - When we confuse wants with needs, we set up an
"unhappiness gap"  that can very much reduce the quality of life and how we feel in life.

I set up a separate page for needs for your personal psychology and getting what one wants out of life (life management), and a page for relationships.  (See What Are Your Needs?, for the personal needs, and the relationship section for what people "need" in relationships, using the search term "needs relationship", for there are several relevant pieces.)


Maslow's hierarchy of needs has food and water first, at the bottom, and when that need is met, then shelter and warmth and safety (the latter from being eaten).  Then when both of those levels are sufficiently filled, the next need to be filled is "recognition" (love, affection, belongingness).  Next after those are filled is esteem needs, to feel self confident.  Then one is ready for "self actualization", to live a life of meaning and self expression. 

However, if we define "need" clearly enough and determine what is really wanted in the latter three, we would come to a different definition.  


The first of the two main problems is that we do not actually know what our needs are, so we don't fill them properly.  (Defining "needs" and what they are in general helps.)

The second is that we use ineffective methods to fill them, including trying to have others give us what we need.  (We do address below how to have the best chance of having your wants filled in a relationship by identifying them and communicating them to your partner to increase the possibilities - but we often make one of the fundamental mistakes of life, trying to control what is not controllable.)


In relationships we attempt to have the other meet our needs.  Or at least we attempt to be clear enough about what our "needs" are that the person has a chance of meeting them.  or at least the choice (if they aren't known, the person doesn't have the choice, unless his/her intuition and/or mind reading capabilities are high, which I wouldn't depend on!). 

So, we've included a whole section, below, on  Needs In Relationship - Specifying And Filling Them. 

However, you should be aware that there are certain considerations and limitations to having your needs met via relationships - which are not reflected in almost every book on relationships that I've seen (and not specifically discussed in most relationship pieces on this site, as it is assumed one is operating from a lower level of understanding and perception of needs).  The problem is that the needs are not properly identified or understood, so we address this in the next few paragraphs.

Another problem, of course, is that the partner may be unable to function at the level to be properly loving and to meet your needs - that is what this site is about also: increasing the awareness and knowledge and capability of your partner and/or family. 


Differentiating and making these clear can make an immense difference in one's happiness! 

1.  At a primitive level, we do need to survive (or there is no game!). 

2.  And we need overall to feel good about life and ourselves, as that is the key value life offers us - otherwise, what's the point? 

From the above, we can derive the sub-need to feel safe in this world, safe from starvation and deprivation (but we add a bunch of unnecessary criteria to this!).

And we won't feel good without some warmth and some shelter (but far less shelter than we conceptualize that we need). 
"Needs beyond needs"
(Vitally important to understand
for your happiness!!)

It is vitally important that you realize that you have already filled your actual needs (if you live in a developed country), or that you can easily do so. 

But what most people seem to fail to see is that they "need" to do certain things to assure that they live their best lives (far beyond the basic needs) - and not throw them away in needless fear/anxiety, problems, diversions, and.... 

We were born with a potential (sufficient ability to) for learning whatever is needed to create a great life, and what a pity it is to see people squandering the gift they are given, squandering their lives ignorantly, as if it didn't matter!!!! 

Yes, we technically do not "need" to be happy, but if we truly want to be happy there are certain necessities that we need to do IF we want to be very happy!!!  Not just getting by, putting up with life problems and toxic emotions, and being the euphemistic "pretty happy" (which is not really happiness, but just less than highly unhappy). 

"Pretty happy" is a compromise "beyond the pale", a total crime to life, when we have the ability to "build" the machine to assure happiness but squander it.  Living less than our given gift (ability to realize our highest life potential) is an insult and a dishonoring to the giver!!!!

Unknowingly we give away our lives to accepting and living under too many demands (or impulses that don't serve us), filling the demands of what others want from us, feeling bad about ourselves, lacking confidence and/or trust in ourselves, unnecessarily experiencing continual anxieties and fears, and/or reliving problems that repeat themselves time and time again (massively pushing other good things out of our lives).

Instead we should minimize those demands to the bare bones of what is needed and then focus on what is vastly more important, doing "The Build" of life. 

We should push through, figure out, learn what is needed, get the help needed, and whatever else is necessary to get rid of all emotional reactivity and problems and to learn the vital skill of emotional self regulation.  And then we should do the rest of the building of the edifice of a great life, from building a foundation that will hold up a very tall building (our highest potential) through building super strong pillars to create a powerful structure and then building the rest of the beautiful life edifice. 

If you don't do this, you will be ignorantly (and harmingly) squandering your life in things that have no life value and in things that take away from truly experiencing virtually every day with an underlying happiness and "background conversation" that makes life a beautiful experience. 

Living less is a crime.  Justifying it with a "well, that's normal" or "I'm just human, life is tough, and that's just the way it is" is a massively harmful, massively ignorant, massively life wasting LIE!!!!!


At the very, very least, take notes for a few days on every different negative thought you think, every negative emotion you feel, every problem you encounter...  And then put in the effort and time needed to prioritize at least the big things on a list.  Then without delay, no matter what(!), do everything necessary to completely resolve ALL of your problems, barriers, etc. AND  to build the powerfulness you absolutely need to have to live the best life - before you add any demands or other things to your life . 

Of course, to do this, after you make the list, it will be necessary for you to access the resources needed. 

1st among those is a path to follow.  The site offers this as a core:  The Only Sure Path To The Greatest Life! 

Then, since many people are not yet capable of doing this on their own and/or since it quickens the process, you need to access carefully selected top resources as needed, from counselors to intense workshops, coaches, guides, etc. - whatever is useful and forwarding.  (Explore the resources suggested in each section of the site and the separate resources sections that are more like directories.)

And, until your life is built and all problems resolved, you must devote the necessary time to do it completely. (Duh! Of course!  But most people skip this and thus fall short of having the life they can attain. 

The "bad news" is that it will take at least 5 to 7 hours a week to make rapid enough progress.

The "extremely good news" is that very soon in the process you start to get payoffs that improve your life AND you free up time from useless or harming activities such that you actually have more time left for doing what is really satisfying to you.  You'll "be ahead" almost right away.  Seeing that you'll free up the time (and have fewer bad feelings) is difficult to see ahead of time, but you will experience both if you try this for 30 to 60 days.  See and "get" The Time Freed Up By Learning Life And Solving All Of Your Problems.

Your life can be great and it can be enduringly, ongoingly happy and full of what you experience as truly valuable and meaningful.

It is time, right now, for you to make the One Decision that will determine the rest of your life.   You can become a true master of your life and your self.  And then you can live one heckuva great life, not only sooner, but for more years than if you dilly dally about it.

I hope and pray that you make the right decision

Your very life is at stake.

Bon Voyage.