(Not completely written, but enough is here to capture this and not be a victim to it anymore!)
CONTENTS
The worth of an individual
Your self worth
And the trap of this all
How to solve this all
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You cannot be happy if you are stuck in feeling unworthy. You must solve this!
THE OVERVIEW, BEFORE THE DISCUSSION
"Worth" in this case is a disembodied concept, a symbol that "if I have this, then I will live" (or be taken care of because they "value" me; worth and value are virtually interchangeable). A child hopes to "be worthy" so he is worth being fed and taken care of - he thinks of "worth" as something that is bequeathed unto him for being who he is, a vague collection of vague somethings that somehow make one worthy, plus he may add a few tricks and wiles that make him charming and cute, delighting the big people so that they will be even more assured of feeding him.
Of course, when a person "grows up" and updates his beliefs and perspectives, he finds that he can feed and take care of himself, so the general "being worthy" concept is not valid. (Recall that the child's reason for having to be worthy had a "so that" imbedded in it - so that I would be fed, etc.)
The adult, once learning what reality is, makes sure he takes care of himself since he, now, has the power to do so. He realizes that the purpose of his evolved primitive mind is to assure survival, so the impetus to take care of oneself and feed oneself is built in and no longer a concept of whether one is worthy or not - the survival instinct and necessity providing for ourselve just "is", it is an already existing guaranteed thing not contingent upon being "worthy" in actuality. (it is just a mechanical reality.)
The adult then goes out and produces something "of worth" (of value to somebody else) and if he "serves" that to another he is normally given some recompense for his service, which he, of course, "deserves" and will probably receive. ("De" means of and serve means serve, so when we are "of service" we deserve something for the value we deliver.)
The adult is the producer of value and there is nothing implicit at all of a condition called "being worthy enough" existing in reality or affecting our lives. He is unconditionally (in the natural, unscrewed up psychological state) going to do his best to take care of himself and he will be "valued by others" if he produces some sort of value for them - and this value delivered to others may become associated and mixed in with the idea of his person being valued by others in a simple emotional association that adds a kind of "feel good" to it, as it suggests greater survivability in life if there is a reliable source of value.
Some people do, however, have "believed" "value" to others from primitive conditioning that certain characteristics would indicate that the person would benefit the other individual in some way. A "good looking" person is attractive since we are wired to see certain characteristics as enhancing the successful passing on of our genes. Being "physically strong", for a man, is attractive to a woman because it served to improve survivability 10,000 years ago (but it is no longer a significant benefit now). Various sexual characteristics, from the desirability with regard to better childbirth of bigger hips to a "manly chest", etc., are wired in to indicate better gene survivability and thus we are driven toward them by "feeling good" chemicals motivating us to mate up with the other person. (More about that elsewhere, such as in the relationships section.)
If you are not blessed with better DNA, you will still assure that you are taking care of yourself and you will still be able to generate things of worth to others and exchange those for things of worth to you. You are still in charge and determinate of your life and happiness - and you do not need any "implicit" worth to prove you "are worthy" of existence - that latter idea is pure nonsense!
Being dependent on others for proving that you are worthy is a childhood behavior that often leads to adults being dependent on others for approval, as if it were still needed for survival. And the amount of stress and effort put out in hopes of gaining something from something you do not entirely control can cause much anxiety and disappointment, especially if one does not realize that one's happiness is not at all dependent on receiving a "vote" of worthiness from others!!!
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DISCUSSION
"I am not worthy" is one of the four core beliefs for most human beings. Technically it is under the core belief "I am not good enough."
Why?
Because as I child we believed we "had to be worthy", which was our primitive concept of what it took to be loved enough for us to be fed and sheltered and safe.
In caveman days, we had to be productive enough to produce value (a term used interchangeably with "worth") for the tribe or we would be kicked out into the danger outside the village - and we would perish. Many of us seem to react as if this were still a reality. But it is not. It is absurd to think that it is a big threat to us to not be considered worthy by others. It is more of an "inconvenience" or a "not preferred", but certainly not a threat in any way.
IS THE CHILDHOOD BELIEF STILL VALID?
We need to tie this down completely, so that we are not "at the effect of it", not dependent on some people thinking we are worthy, not dependent on ourselves thinking that we are worthy, as if there was a real threat.
We need to know the answer and be definite about it, to the question:
Do we have to be worthy in order to survive now, as an adult?
Of course not.
We can just take care of ourselves, without even needing the approval of others. We can simply go about the process of Loving Oneself, and have that be more than enough. As an adult, I am actually capable of being Self-Sufficient, able to create all I need in life.
We do not have to be worthy in order to justify living, as we are living already. We're simply here and it has nothing to do with worth. "I exist. I need not prove anything in order to exist. I was just fortunate to have been born at all. I shall continue to exist as I am not dependent on any one person or a few people for my existence."
Tara Brach, in her book [highly recommended] Radical Acceptance, says in The Truths In Life, paraphrased:
"I am worthy simply because I do exist." (If a baby is worthy when the baby
can only cry, take in food and liquids and excrete same, then how can we
after becoming much more useful and functional be any less worthy?)
In fact, I would propose that we are "more than worthy", from another point of view.
"No one in this world is worth one iota more or less than you are."
And then one of the affirmations of reality is: "I am totally worthy and deserve to "feel good" mentally, physically and emotionally, for that is my birthright."
"I have no need to 'prove' myself since my very existence proves my innate worth and importance."
"Since I am not my actions, I cannot possibly 'prove my worth' by my actions. I am not 'bad' if I act 'bad'."
ANOTHER VIEW(ING)POINT
Cage statement: “I am flawed, not good enough, not worthy.”
Empowering truth statement: Those concepts simply contain no truth. I am powerful and able to create what I need. And that’s it.
Acceptance statement: We are all imperfect and that’s ok. That’s life. There’s nothing good or bad about it.
(Enter "cage statement" in the Search Engine to see what some other cage statements are.)
