WHY BOTHER?
It is psychologically healthy to be able to relate "what occurs" objectively without injecting opinion and beliefs in and making them "the truth". Furthermore, being able to distinguish what is a description without reading anything into it is a healthy practice. And reading something into any statement is an unhealthy practice, at the level of unsanity.
It is our objective, if we are to be happy, to live in HighSanity. Note that if someone engages in unsanity type of thinking that does not indicate any permanent condition, such as being insane or stupid or wrong - to assume that a behavior or a process that a person uses or does indicates anything permanent about a person is, indeed. adding a false belief that should be corrected asap. (See The Unrealism Of Pessimism and the absurdity of assuming permanence: The Four Noble Truths. As for taking an action or a belief and turning it into who the person is, there is an error in thinking that should be cleared up by reading Who I Am.)
Even an inaccurate description is an attempt at being objective so it fits in as a description and not a story or opinion.
The speaker who describes things without opinion is illustrating a healthy communication.
What is important here is for the receiver to not impute anything that is not actual - and then to believe that the imputation (inference) is accurate! The receiver of a message must not add something to the communication or assume something without checking it out as to whether it is true or not - though the latter applies more to a close relationship where there is permission to do so.
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF DISCERNING
This is from an email that was received as if it was containing great negativity. The point here is not answer whether it was or not, but to get the recipient to see what is strictly relating an attempt at "what occurred". I've put into bold those sentencing that are a "what occurred", with no other discernably accurate hidden meanings, an objective inquiry and/or a straight request. Also I bolded a straight estimation she made of how the other person felt, though that is subject to error; but she did not add meaning or blame at all. Even in her opinions, though some involved misestimates potentially, she was not imputing any "badness" and was doing more self-reporting and authentic boundaries stating.
The first sentence is strictly "self-reporting", a healthy practice, though no big deal here. But the receiver can not justifiably read into it a falsity or pretense or some motive. The receiver cannot go into the other's mind to see what is true - the other person has to be left as the expert on her own feelings.
There is no indication here of anything hostile at all, though the receiver imputed such things.
The email
"Glad you had a chance to visit Kansas City and relax, as you said that was why you came. You mentioned from the beginning that you were not just coming to see me that you were looking forward to visiting museums and such while you were here and if possible we might get together. Sorry we were not able to spend any more time with you.
Did you get to any museusm?
Please don't count on us to meet you or entertain you when you come in to town last minute like that. Both our lives are hectic with little or no free time that is not committed elsewhere. I left Kit's birthday party before the presents, which upset me as she and her sister and parent leave in 2 months to move to Omaha and I charish what little family time I have left with them. We left early so I coould see you at least once, with an invite to the wine tasing part afterwards as really just an afterthough. You were confused on how to meet us/get there to the fair/so I decided the least complicated thing for you was to pick you up at the hotel, however, you advised me you had forgotten your scripts and needed to look at getting them at a CVS - 2 in town you said. I dind't think that was a good idea as it would
I hope your were able to relax and see a few museums in Kansas City like you'd said you were coming up to Phoenix to do on your call last week. I am sorry if your were disappointed in your visit. I'd told you my weekend was full Good to remind. and what my commitments were, however, your healthissues makes it difficult to work with any schedule. I'd told you we were going to my grandaugher Kit's birthday party from about 10 to 130P Saturday and could meet you there and you were welcome to come with us to Mav's annual wine tasking party at 6PM after the fair, as you know. Speaking to you on the phone from Sally's though, you were sounding like it would be difficult to find the fair and also noted you had forgotten your scripts and needed to pick them up at one of two CVS in town.
I could tell that you would get lost trying to find us at the fair so offered to pick you up downtonwn at your hotel at 1:30, but advised you then had 2 hours before I would be there and to get your scripts during that time.
The family is moving to Omaha in early June and every minute with them is precious to me. I missed opening up Kit;s presents, unfortunately, as it ran past 1PM and we had to leave to pick you up. Truly, I did not want to take away what little time we had at the fair this year to run errands that you could take care of yourself before we picked you up for the fair at 1;30p. I didn't mind your spliting out from us at the Fair. I absolutely love the Fair and look forward to it every year, though this year we could only fit in a 2 hour visit. People DO look at different paces and the 4 of us at the Gem Fair do that all the time, as I told you.
Fred said we'd meet back at the bench at 4P instead of teh 4:15P I had first suggested he told me because he thought you'd get lost and we'd have to go find you. I know we gave you heads up and asked you to take note of the route we were driving to the fair on the way from your hotel, making sure you had the right road numbers and street tnames, and you still got lost for 1 1/2 hours trying to drive back on your own the next day. Also, I am sure you will understand that when you asked on the way from the fair back to your hotel if we could go to CVS for your scritps I said no, that you had mentioned that to me around 10:30am on the phone at Sally's and I had said then that you would need to run that errand on your own before or after we took you to the fair as our schedule was too tight.
As I had said, we just had time to get home, pick up our wine slusshys, and get to 's party by 6P. You were too tired to go to 's, which I can understand with you health issues, but they invited us out to dinner that night, which was very generous of you, although made no sense if you were too tired.
Certainly you know we couldn't go to dinner with you that night or take you to CVS, as we had said from the beginning what our committments were for the evening and the weekend.
I know you are disappointed, but you and I are not on the same schedule/wave length, Bonnie. Monday I had to go to the bank after work and cash a check for Brian (stepfater), and mail out bills, and starting work at 5:30P and ending at 3:00, sometimes 3:30P because of mandatory overtime, with my Monday, necessary. no excuses accepted 1 hour gym work out committment- left me no time to do anything else except go home and graze and make my dinner/breakfst to pack for work the next day. No time to go out weeknights.
I'm afraid you and I are world apart, my dear. I am on one wave length and you another. Would like to see you again, but please don't depend on me for an envolved relationship as I just don't think it will work. We can't give each other the space necessary to be who we are and be at peace with it.
Love,
Evaluation: Some "estimates" that could be in error, but no discernible blame or malice or hostility can reasonably be deduced from what was said. There was strong authenticity and firm boundaries, which are both healthy. She "self-reported" and didn't ascribe any bad motives to another. She didn't get into the other's inventory. Most of what she said was explanatory and fact-based.
The reply
Comments: Gives lots of advice, a make wrong in saying "endless minutae", which is an exaggeration, projecting that the other's letter was "perhaps" cathartic and that it is only about you and how you think...heavily into the other person's inventory... objections, defensiveness, evaluation of the other
---,
I am sorry you feel as you do ....and I am also aware that these are your perceptions. Thus, I generally choose to be very cautious about taking on such viewpoints and dealing with them.....I learned a long time ago one cannot change another -- their thinking,their conclusions, assesssments -- that it is pointless to argue with their perceptions and in your case respond to the endless minutae you felt compelled to catalogue ...wont even go down that road!
I have also learned to fill up my own tank bigtime, and so your letter -- while perhaps cathartic for you to write - is really only about you and how you think ..and has almost nothing to do with me. We all see the world thru a filter ....in this case, like each of us, you have assessments and evaluations that derive from your filters/perceptions -- which usually get created in childhood. If we are lucky we can later in life uncreate those filters that dont serve us (maybe thru a devoted mentor, or therapist) which then makes it possible to play "a bigger game" and experience life to its fullest.
I sincerely hope you can get to a nonstressful peaceful place in your life where my and other people's behavior have a very minimal impact (not possible-- I grant you -- if we talking about a marriage, or a relationship at work where you must live with a person day in and day out!) But with regards to the kinds of casual friendships, casual family relationships, and acquaintanceships that are a regular part of all our lives, it is fruitless, destructive, and a no- win game to run individulas through a ringer about their every action. It always backfires with the "criticizer/controller" feeling like shit -- lonely and depressed in their righteousness -- whether they admit to it or not.
For anyone, I am convinced that what ultimately generates a great and happy life, is one's own self esteem/self respect/peace of mind, and most importantly, who we are each committed to being as a matter of our own principles and integrity; what we are committed to creating to make the world a tiny bit better. I am convinced that this is where our energy MUST GO in order for human beings to feel fulfilled and peaceful.
But to sadly waste our precious energies nit-picking at the real or imagined foibles of others instead of fine tuning our own lives (since ALL of us -- being human -- have stuff to work on) is pointless and with little pay off -- except for the temporary empty payoff of feeling like you "won"....i.e. you are right that s/he is wrong.
Unfortunately, it is true that some people do get their jollies this way -- by making others wrong.. ..but those jollies pale in comparison to the incredible jollies they could have by deciding to live peacefully --- free of blame, fault, and "make wrong." The people we end up making wrong just want to run the other way. We will always find ourselves in "other worlds" with people (to use your phrase) if we spend our energies critiquing their every move.
As the old saying goes, get your own house in order first.....and from that place of groundedness and peacefulness, I suspect most of the people in your life will appear differently ..... you might even find you enjoy their company -- imperfect as they may be, foibles and all !!
Finally, just to be clear, I let you both know about a good week ahead (no "last minute" here) that if we got together -- great!, but that I was also perfectly fine in exploring Kansas City on my own ( I love doing things alone as well as with others) and I said I would hold out zero expectations of getting together-- knowing how very busy you both are. It was also my attempt at being generous and compassionate -- sensitive to your hectic schedule. That you made a decision to fit me in in spite of you very hectic calendar is a choice that you and only you made. Nobody remotely twisted your arm.
That you chose, _____, to make time for me when you were so very clearly overcommitted seems at this end like questionable judgement. And if you fail to recognize it as your issue ( no one else's) then you just set yourself up for being angry and resentful at others-- which is esentially what your letter was about.
To conclude, your perceptions are strictly yours and suggest that you have difficulty setting boundaries with people at those times when you have so much on your plate.
