WE SPEAK OF "WHAT REALLY MATTERS"
BUT ISN'T IT ABOUT THE IMPORTANT PAYOFFS?
tba
What makes my life worth living?
Yes, it matters to me that my family is happy. And I believe that learning really matters, but not in and of itself, as it is only a vehicle to the payofff that Iwant. Yes, I can feel good about learning and value it (and therefore "feel" value from it), but it is the payoff that I am interested in. The payoff is, of course, living a great life. But that, somehow, seems a bit general and undefined(!).
A good life, for me, is one where I have experiences that I value, that feel good. It does feel good to me to have a sense of competence and confidence that I can handle life well. Although this is a means to an end ("a life well-handled"), knowing this produces happiness and other good feelings.
It seems to me, to get the most out of life, we need to be clear on what the payoffs are that we seek and the importance of the payoffs in terms of "net payoff units", kind of like in economics with "units of satisfaction" (often called "utils") or in psychology with "net feel good."
My life is about investing what I have (time and energy) in order to get the best total "return" from my time and energy.
Yes, I may think that winning the lottery is of huge value to me, but if I never achieve it then it is not a true payoff. (A payoff never received has no value to me, surely!)
If I think that "getting approval" from others is a huge payoff, I might look at the fact that I do cannot control getting it. So things I do not control, have less of a net payoff. Also, I have to look at the "net negatives" I would feel if I were dependent on approval. Perhaps, in the "net" (benefits minus costs) it is not a great area of payoff.
So, in seeking to identify my payoffs in life I will identify what will produce the greatest positive effect (on average) for me versus what it merely an "it would be nice" item.
Watching TV is not in the high payoff surely, unless you look back later and say how deeply experiential it was for you, how much it meant to you. Seeking relief from anxiety and stress is not a payoff but a prevention of feeling bad. If that is mostly what one values, it is a defensive life with no real value.
I can use, surely, what memories I feel great about that I appreciate. Notice how the word appreciate will come up in high payoffs. "Appreciate" is to make valuable, or to see the value.
My deep love relationships (though most of them folded) are what I remember as being the most significant. My trying to be approved of was a false payoff. I was "faked out" by thinking that was the point. Making love certainly is way up there, but the payoff was in the sensual experience and being caught up in it, in the total flow of it.
The payoff items then are those things that make me most glad to be alive.
Some things I know, for certain, will work to create my appreciating life:
Of course, the experience of gratitude.
The experience of contributing to another human being (and, yes, there is value in having them acknowledge it, not as my being a "hot shot" "super-guy" but for the feeling of satisfaction it reinforces.) feeling good about myself
The experience of pride in being a good person, being able to live a good life, being competent
The experience of being kind to another person (and myself), appreciating them as a human being, who I am being when I do that, a softness, a caring, a giveing respect.
Loving another person (big love and also a lot of the little stuff with acquaintances) - I like the fact that I can accept others and support them in what they want in life and to, as the Buddha speaks of, help lessen their suffering in life.
Beauty, enjoying nature, music
Enjoying children
The wonderful feeling when a person triumphs over circumstances or receives some wonderful benefit.
Laughing, smiling
Feeling healthy, breathing (a deep breath of fresh air), having a human body
Feeling that I am doing something good for myself in terms of long term value, making myself more powerful, being in integrity.
Living the deliberate life. I WILL LIVE A DELIBERATE LIFE, NOT A
What we are seeking is the ability to harvest our energy and time to produce a great life, which is called wisdom.
Learning is not it, but it is the necessary ingredient without which I cannot know how to make a "good life stew"
Yes, I'm sure I must have gotten value from being successful in business, but often the value seemed to be negative after I subtracted the stress and pushing of myself, and the worry and excessive work.
I thought money was of huge value, but I can see that a monk is just as happy or happier. The value is in valuing life and what is in it, not the new BMW 650 convertible, though there is a bit of a hit of "well isn't this great that I can afford what I want", but it is fleeting, of relatively minimal value compared to actual living.
I had thought the payoff was in being perfect (or avoiding having a fault that would cause someone to reject me into feeling unloved), but there is none. It is the guaranteed road to hell. (I am thankful that I came across some philosophy and learning in life to help improve my perspective.)
The sinkhole of life is being dependent on others approving of us, trying to "look good", pretending, hiding faults, trying to make an impression (it's ok to produce value and expect that to, on the average, produce a good relationship of trust and value).
Super high payoff
items
payoff ratio
Payoff/effort
Notice that each of the "success steps" whether it is in money or in life are the same and that they are all about developing the power to produce the desired results.
